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Do tha’ Stanky Legg if ya’ Fiya’d UP!

I was driving home from lunch today and took a picture of this Kia SUV parked on Flynn Ave facing the Burlington Hyundai / Subaru Dealership.

‘Bought my lemon at Burlington VT, Hyundai Subaru’ it reads.

I guess that is one way of telling the dealership you’re not happy with your purchase…

Doo the 3 MuskaBUTT, err Musketeer bar is so wack. It’s has nearly no substance to the center mass filling. I poke into it and the chocolate shell cracks and the foam inside condenses. It’s marketed as a chocolaty nouget light sensation. Laff. It’s more like a BUTT plug for ya’ pipes braaa.

Last I checked its cost was the same as a Snickers bar. Now that is a real candy bar. Dense. Delicious. Sugar, caramel, and peanuts! ~protein, useful carbs, and easy to pack when you’re hiking or biking.

3 MuskaBUTT. ’nuff Said.

The belly button is a slot machine anomaly. As much distinguishable as is eye color, dental patterns, and fingerprints in identifying us humans. The inney, as they call it is a recessed cavity in your lower abdomen en. The outey is an outward petruding lump, a shoot, or a tostitos scoop. A Salad bowl, lint catcher, or sweat reservoir. -No prejudice here… My kind of button.

The belly button is a unique human form feature of course. However an argument persists as to it serving as one discernible feature distinguishing individuals apart from each other? That little stub, or sausage casing knob that twists into a little bun at the center of your midsection?

OMG! WTF is that?! Kelly Ripa has a little penis growing out of her belly button! Gulp.

Ok I think that solves that.

Certainly through science we understand that the ambical chord serves as the food and nutrient channel for a growing fetus. When that newborn surfs out the womb on a wave of placenta, the surgeon is going to be snipping that tube, and knot gnarlying your button for the rest of your existence. Kinda like at the deli counter.

So I am left wondering if your belly button is something that a skilled medical professional can manipulate while any infant is left crying and covered in afterbirth about to get… disconnected. -Perhaps a responsible parent can request a particular twist technique, or simply stapled off like those summer sausages you buy in the grocery store?

Regardless of the answer… we continue to live our lives almost inpartial and unobservant of our little stomach cavities that once played a crucial part of our infant infant lives. I sometimes touch mine. I don’t really like to too much because it hurts if I start swirling around in there. It almost feels like I am opening up the Hefty leaf bag on an autumn day, except when that bag opens… it’s not going to be leaves. heh.

The belly button ring or piercing, has charmed and gleamed in the feasting eyes of perverse mid 40 year old men at Costco check out lines for a hot minute now. But what about those belly buttons that say something else? The belly button that you co worker has? Or the belly button on the guy who swims in the lake and doesn’t take his shirt off when it is like 99° out. Yeah he is hiding something…

Another weekend has past us all by and I am left on this Monday morning sifting through the fragments looking for a formula to enable my docile and productive self. Oh there we go. I found it! (Check song above).

Who saw BIG mahphuckin’ BABY DAVIS drop that buzzer beater last night in game 4? That shit got me sooo fired up, I was up until 2 a.m. watching clips of that moment.

“That was hard work ya’ll saw out there. I practice that shot everyday. Going after the W. Bringing it back to Boston.” Davis explained to reporters after the walk off shot. Look at that expression in the photo above. HAHAHA Gosh I love it! (My prediction: Snow ball just pushed off of cliff. Celtics in 6).

Rihanna recently had a bunch of nude photos of herself leaked onto the internet? Chris Brown would you please stand up? “Thanks bro, pass the Jergens”.

~It’s too bad in my opinion that the porn industry reflects negatively on this whole nude celebrity thingy. They say it damages careers more than it helps them. Remember Vanessa Williams? Her career seemed to work out fine. Tommy Lee, Pamela, Fred Durst, and Paris Hilton all turned a profit and sold their home sex videos rights to porn companies. Sex it seems, really works well as catalyst in the industry to get yourself recognized and publicized. To be fair and for the sake of argument, I shouldn’t narrowly focus on celebrities. I mean this whole ’sexting’ craze is getting teens and weens locked up and registered as sex offenders for sharing bare pictures of Molly on their mobile in the locker room. Expressionism in today’s society seems to be moving to a level of soft porn in general. But the high and mighty, lawmakers, and Presbyterian Moms all seem to remain very HARD on the whole issue. c’mon every little boy and girl wants to be a STAR!

Oprah, that fat large somebody hired some movers to start getting her belongings out of her $50 million 23,000 sq ft California mansion before it is consumed by wildfire. 2 things. One: Karma. That fat obnoxious bitch has it coming. 2: She evacuates a $50 million dollar mansion that she wasn’t even at because she was in her bigger mansion in Chicago. Seriously… Call Martha… let’s host her a bake sale.

Eminem, that white chocolate bad boy is in London promoting his Relapse cut after being MIA for the last 5 years. Finally! So when he goes out and doesn’t want to seek attention he don’s a mexican wrestlers mask as he walks around the streets. Subtle. I like it.

Now I am not going to go into too much detail about the whole ordeal because every analyst, columnist, and sportscaster has beaten this whole story to death…. Manny Ramirez and his 50 game suspension. ~So if you have been living under a rock for the last week, or don’t care too much about sports… he is out in Dodgertown for his use of a banned substance. Actually banned for his use of the female fertility drug human chorionic gonadotropin, or hCG. Through the players union he released a statement saying his doctor prescribed him this medication for a ‘personal problem’. Well… simply put, Manny’s slugger has gone limp. Or that may be what he wants the issue to appear as. Reports suggest that active steroid users use hCG to kick start the testosterone development in the body after a steroid cycle has been completed. Now Manny must be pretty naive to think he can take substances like that with out checking with the league first. Mike Lowell (3rd baseman, Red Sox) indicated how extensive the list is of illegal substances, but further mentioned how easy it is through the players union to find out whether a substance is ok to take or not. Which makes me think Manny knew what he was doing, cared little for the potential consequences, and now must forfeit 7.3 million and sit for 50 games. So why would he need to juice? Perhaps after soiling your pants in Boston in a free agency tiff, landing in left field on a marquee franchise like the Dodgers, and suddenly you can’t complain about your kneeing being hurt anylonger… Manny might have felt the pressure to put up some big BIG numbers if he wanted to see that ‘perfect’ contract come the end of the season. Well you got it all right. Punched a huge hole in the balloon too, and most likely compromised your shoe in vote for the Hall of Fame. Take it easy bra. See ya’ July 3rd with a Hot Dog in my hand.

That’s right you hussies. HUGE day today. MONSTA’! _Sox sweep the Yankees yet again in a 2 game series in the Bronx last night. Got it! -Also Bron Bron has no problem showing Smith and Bibby what time it is in Cleveland. I bought a bunch of meth off of Joba Chamberlain’s mom. I waxed Brad Childress’s head while simultaneously talking Brett Favre out of retirment. Barcelona upsets Chelsea as Iniesta scores in injury time sending the Spanish team to match up with the mighty Man U for the European title. Tonight we got Celtics and Magic in game 2 + the Bruins are in game 3 I believe of their playoff series with the Hurricanes, and lastly the Indians are back in their return to play the Sox in Fenway. WOW! Pinch me.

Ronaldo single handidly killed the momentum with a blazing 40′ free kick. Did you see that shiat?

So with the birthday boy coming over tonight… I got shrimp skewers, and stuffed bar-b-q chicken. MahPhuckiN’ feast dawg. Late night. Around halftime with those green Celtics in the lead by a dozen. In other news… Miss California, USA, Carrie Prejean has some semi nude pics out there and it may cost her her title. Shucks dawg. Rumour has it the kid dolphin (Phelps) is dating the outspoken fashion model. He won’t go into any details tho. =|

Lastly… and I know this is going to come as a shock… But Brooke Hogan has a penis. Yup! you heard it here first.

Alright I am beside myself right now. I am sitting on my couch, feeling absolutely obligated to document what I have just witnessed at the United Center in Chicago. Game 6 resulted in a Bull victory 128 127 over the Boston Celtics in what was perhaps the most unbelievable, most exciting, greatest playoff game that has ever been played, EVER. Rondo and Hinrich nearly getting into a brawl at the end of the first. The 2 point lead by the Bulls at the half. Ray Ray makin’ in rain with 3’s, TRUTH be told #34, Scalabrine’s goofy ass, and BIG BABY MA’PHUCKIN’ DAVIS!

ok. ok. ok.

#43 Kendrick Perkins. Dude this guy is sooo F’n cool. He speaks in one tone. Witty. + you’ll notice he’s dropped a lot of weight in the recent because he has some significant stretch marks on his shoulders. I really like that little beard thingy he has got going on too! -makes him look like a devil. hahaha. Anyway… I was watching Doc draw up a play infront of Perk. Doc must have been exclusively drawing it up for Perk because he was the the defensive lynch pin on Miller for Davis to post and knock down the jumper in the play that ensued… but back up. Doc is drawing out this play and I am watching Perk. Cool as a cucumber just nod, “Yup”. Doc continues to draw up the play…”Yup”. Perk nods again, uses towl to wipe off face. Doc continues illustrating play. “Yup”. Perk knows what’s up. Doc spins around with his clipboard infront of him, Confident… Perk KNOWS what’s up.

I got the day off from work tomorrow so I wasn’t shy to break the lock on the liquor cabinet tonight. Couple shoootay’s were marinating at the crib piece during regulation and I felt obliged to stir up some a few Hurricanes. Let me break it all down for you:

1 oz. Bacardi white rum

1 oz. Bacardi 151° rum

1 oz. Meyer’s dark rum

3 oz. Pineapple juice (unsweetened)

2 oz. Orange juice (heavy pulp)

.5 oz. Grenadine

Shake and serve.

Game 7 ya’ll. 8 p.m. on Saturday night back in BOSTON! Do it do it do it do it!

I think this is as close as it can come before crossing that threshold into ’soft porn’.

Call On Me - Eric Prydz

Song of the Week. Should be song of the Year… I’ll consider a yearly evaluation of all song of the weeks and pick 1 grand one in December. So in the meantime you can all MELT. Dass right. Phuckin’ HOT. Like 89° or something the other day here in BVT. Haha but you know you’re in the BVT when it drops 30° in 3 hours. Sucka Free. CALL ON ME!!!!!

Anxiously waiting in line to place my Chicken Vera Cruz (Rice Plate) order. I am checking out the new diggs at one of my favorite burrito joints, New World Tortilla. Fresh new paint colors on the wall, open eating common, industrial kitchen front, and YES! finally… a credit card machine.

With out confirming any of this… New World Tortilla seemed to have consolidated all of their satellite burrito spots and opened up a more exclusive, restaurant styled shop on the Pine Street strip here in Burlington, VT. My patronage was often felt at the N. Winooski Ave beat on the corner of dreadlock and crusty in one of the hippier parts of town. So suffice to say I am happy to have this new spot so close.

“Chicken Vera Cruz Rice Plate, Please.” I ordered. “Could you please hold the Sour Cream?” -I don’t like it.

“No sour cream. Ok.” The name said Mike H. at the bottom of my ticket receipt, so I assume that was his name. “Would you like anything to drink with that?” He asked.

“Nothing to drink, Thanks.” I reached for my wallet.

“Ok that is going to be $8.88 with tax” Mike H. seemed pretty comfortable punching those register buttons.

“$8.88?” I wanted to be sure I heard him correct.

“$8.88. With tax included.” He responded.

My fingers on a crispy new $20… ‘Gee’ I am saying to myself, $8.88 for rice, beans, chicken, salsa, and lettuce with tortilla and cheese? -No sour cream. -I now am looking at the line behind me stack up, petruding ever closer to the door. -Myself, beginning to question my hunger and whether this is even worth spending my money on such a mark up?

“Eight dollars and eighty eight cents.” I said as I gave him my twenty…”Tax included.”

Mike H. gave me my change and ticket receipt with order number. I shuffled aside and waited with the rest of the lunch time hungries for their orders to come out. I was number 36 today.

Contrary to my NWT fanhood… I have had a few issues with New World Tortilla in the past. Nothing serious that would prevent me from coming back. I mean they forgot to add the black beans to my order one time, and even forgot to put my chicken in the dish but were kind enough to correct the mistake after I made them aware. They had this woman working for them at the register one time that was soooo seemingly stoned it was nearly impossible to get my order in. Amateurs.

So I was sure to open the lid on my order to confirm it was all there. And it was… about 1/3 of it. -Literally the portion of food was so skimpy I wanted to cry. Across the counter and in the kitchen I was watching ladles of peanut sauce being poured on others’ orders, and burritos stuffed to the max with what seemed to be more food than what I was looking at. $8.88 tax included. I was livid. Pissed off.

I looked back at the counter. Mike H. There he was. Punching up more orders into the register. The line of people. Did they know what to expect? Are they even aware that when they get over here to wait for their order another set of hands will come out from behind the kitchen and pull their pants down?

In any other circumstance I would have said something. I’m not shy. But I wasn’t going to fight that line, demand my money back with my pants around my ankles, and walk out still hungry….

So I write:

New World Tortilla makes tasty burritos and food no doubt about it. It tastes even better when you’re hung over. They however, charge way too much money.  I mean they just got a new store front to pay for so I can kinda understand. Quantitatively speaking however, New World Tortilla does a very poor job substantiating the Chicken Vera Cruz rice plate dish with $8.88 worth of food. Or in this case… Failed miserably.

Patrons beware… and tighten your belt buckle.

Tax time symbolizes a lot of things for me. A love hate relationship. It earmarks an anniversary for every citizen that dues are up. Either to be paid or redeemed. Uncle Sam. That crochity old bastard, is pointing his cold wirey finger at you.

Fortunately it was me this year… waiting for his squabbly and crooked ass to walk up to my mail box to hand deliver my mahphuckin’ check. I was sipping lemonade, and gave him’ an ol pat on that boney ass on his way out the gate. -Wished him a nice day too.

A lot of American’s rely on their expected tax returns. Writing off those miscellaneous expenses, kids, and mortgage interest. Socking away return checks from the old man, helping to alleviate a life already heavily tax burdened. I find myself relying on my return to pay off credit card debt and add to savings. -American Express is on my ass. $2,200 deep.

I respect the taxes. I wish there was more transparency within which the tax system is operated on. I feel incomes should be taxed a fixed percentage proportionally to what they make, not fall into tax brackets or tax programs that cater to a specific social class. I feel all tax returns should be made public record. It would be much more difficult to hide max monies if the system operated on the table. All these suggestions I think would wholly contribute to a more healthier and viable tax system. IMHO of course…

So after depositing my return check and watching my bank account’s bottom line swell up a lil’ bit… I decided to get this America Express monkey off my back fo’ real. I spun around 2x’s in my chair and logged into my online account. Queued up an electronic transaction and voila…. all my debt is canceled to zero. Few days later I confirm that my online transaction had cleared with my local bank and then I logged back into my American Express account to make sure things were back to zero.

“What?! WTF is this?!” I belt out.

American Express conveniently tacked on an additional $48 the precise moment I had hit that ‘pay bill’ button. $48 for a periodic finance charge they called it. I pay my entire F’n balance to zero, and they tack on $48. WTF? I was on it like an Easter bonnet and had those honkies at American Express on the horn looking at my account with the QUICKNESS.

“Tommy, bro…” I say.

“Yes Sir?” He was calm, most likely enjoyed his job. Probably from the south, judging by the accent.

“Dude, I paid you guys more than 2 grand the other day, and it just so happens the moment I PAID my bill online you guys conveniently tacked on a ‘Periodic Finance’ charge.”

“ahh, yes sir. Seems that way sir.” He confirmed.

“Tommy I am asking that you please credit my account the $48 American Express had charged me for this ‘Periodic Finance’ charge.”

“ahh…” Tommy was uncertain.

“Bro… Look… My interest rate on this godforsaken card is 23%. Your employer just took a government bailout at a 2% interest rate. You lend me the money that our government lent your employer with a 21% markup. -Now you seem like a reasonable guy. Right? You would most likely ask your sneaky credit card company to remove the same ‘Periodic Finance’ charge after you dropped the whole outstanding balance like a spicy enchilada right? right Tommy?” I was leaning hard.

“Yes Sir. Yes I would, and I am going to remove that periodic finance charge, and credit your account $48. This will be reflected online in the next 72 hours. Is there anything else I can do for you today sir?”

“No. No Thank You Tommy.” I said. “God Bless.”

“Thank You for calling American Express.”